Fans of my blog – yo mum! - might remember when I wrote covetously of those Nike trainers that link up with an iPod Nano and make that thing they call ‘jogging’ halfway bearable. 

Usually if I got jogging I clutch a couple of apples and run to a soundtrack of dogs barking and shotgun blasts. That way I can pretend that I am an urchin on the run from an angry farmer after a successful scrumping expedition. If I can’t get apples I listen to the Benny Hill theme tune on a loop. Both work equally as well. 

Soon however, once those people at Apple and Nike have hunted down the back of their sofas for the funds to loan me both an iPod and some trainers, I can do it to a soundtrack specifically designed to make you run harder and longer – that isn’t a police siren. 

Bizarrely, given that I would rather go sliding down a gravel pit wall on my tongue than go jogging I am really looking forward to getting them, and seeing what sort of world of pain they grant me the key to. 

So watch this space. A full review will follow.

So Google has launched a customisable search engine that people can tinker with till their heart’s content and then bung on their web site.

Good news, possibly, for sites that want to nail down their searches into some sort of whitelist approved information suburb. But bad news for anyone that doesn’t want to be subjected to the design whims of imbeciles.

Just look at what of the IT Week monkeys has spewed forth. It’s not nice, it’s not very clever, and it is definitely not pretty.

Photopshopping is not easy – despite the impression that my recent art work might give off. This is why I am so obsessed with the work hosted on the Worth1000 web site.

Worth runs regular challenges, asking its users to photoshop something on a theme and then share the results. In general even the poorest entries make mine look like something that a monkey could bash out while it was being rolled down a hill in a barrel.

Yep,  that includes the ones that marry Mr T and Yoda – even celebrity pastor Mc Hammer would struggle to do that.

A friend of mine is searching for the science fiction film that has best predicted what the future will look like. At the moment he has no idea, and will poo-pah every suggestion that anyone else makes.

Blade Runner is dismissed for two reasons. Flying cars and all that rain… Never mind the replicants! The Running Man for the eighties haircuts, “all I see is bouffants”, 2001 for the mushroom hats the air stewardesses wear, and The Island because MSN has apparently become the standard place to do internet searches.

The latest suggestion I offered was for Minority Report. This received a snort before I said, “not the crime predicting bit, the location based mobile services (such as when the Cruisers walks through the shopping mall) and the big computer screen that he uses by waving his hands around…”
 

After some consideration my mate Dave decided that no one could actually be bothered to move their hands round that much just so they could use the internet. “Imagine sitting down on a Sunday morning with a hangover waving your arms all over the place to get the football scores? Not gonna happen” he ruled.

 I don’t know what he expects the future to be like, but it is presumably a world where things had advanced in general, but man has regressed and, potentially, atrophied. 

So, Last of the Summer Wine it is then. Unless you, my one reader, have any better suggestions.

Google is going to buy YouTube for more money than I can imagine – I am picturing a stack of fivers that stands about as tall as Paul Daniels, which is roughly twenty five quid. But the real sum is $1.65bn in stocks... So, what can it all mean? 

Well, if you want to know what the grass roots thinks, where better to go than YouTube itself, where you can find out what its users are saying. 

Digitalbrain.. says, “Google has the resources to er, maybe even make YouTube faster.” Then adds that it could, potentially, “maybe implement it with Gmail which would be “bloody fine”

Mike Swanson uses his Wall Street Video section of the site to let you know that he can’t believe that anyone is talking about the deal on YouTube. Well Mike, you don’t have far to look for proof, because you are talking about it yourself, and guess where... 

Mike sums up the stock market thus.. “when it comes to the stockmarket… when things line up and you anticipate some things to happen. And then you see it happening the next day and it doesn’t happen…” Er, I think we’ll leave it there, but thank you Mike.

Meanwhile, Randomboy321 thinks that Google should spend the money on doing its own web site up, which makes him just about as useless a commentator as you could find. Oh.. until we meet Paindrain.

Paindrain looks like the best bet, and indeed he cuts right to the chase. "I don't think it is a good idea".

He then explains the inherent insanity of the stock market in a way that Mike could only ever dream of. “F**k. Look at the stock for f**king Google. The s**t is above Microsoft. That s**t is like $400 a share. That s**t is crazy.”

Which, I hope you will agree, is very succinct.

Paindrain is at a loss to explain why Google might buy the site, but thinks it might be to boost user numbers. Except, he doesn't really think that either.  “They are trying to gain popularity? Everybody uses them." Except they don't do they Painy..."I actually use Ask.com... Most of the time."

Do you use it or not?  "I’ll go to Google… if I can’t find what I am looking for quick enough…”

Oh for goodness sakes!

A reader, as equally unable to buy books in the normal manner as I am, has emailed me with some of the questions that he has posed to Waterstone’s, but has not yet had answered. 

So, whaddya wanna know Mr Hugh Appleby (retired)? And why are you reading my blog in the first place? No matter. Your questions obviously burn like the rash that you took the time to describe in your email, so here they are…

I hope someone from Waterstone's is reading.

Number 1:
Hello I like those Dan Brown books, but there is one thing that I hate about them. Their reliance on technology, espionage, religious themes, and high tension suspense. Can you recommend any similar books to me that don’t rely on these tried and tested themes? Preferably by Mr Brown!
Best Hugh Appleby. 

Ps, what’s the name of that book about the bloke who wants to buy a mandolin or something? My ex-wife loved it so I would like to buy it for the new one…

It might have been set in Turkey.

Number 2:

Oh. I enjoy books where the main hero has a companion. like our old friend Sancho Panza! Got any books like Don Quixote, but with monkeys in them? Wouldn't that be fun! A little monkey eating peanuts and helping with adventures. 

Wouldn’t it?...

Yours, HA 

'Waters', as me and Hugh now like to call it, has had more than the 48 hours allocated and has not yet replied… I think poor old Hugh deserves a response to these questions, so I’ll try and ease his suffering. 

And no, I don’t mean the suffering caused by your rash, Hugh.

Well, I had responses to two of my Waterstone’s questions within the 48 hours allocated. The third question – “If I buy a book and come away from it feeling disappointed and a little grubby, can I have my money back?”, is presumably not worthy of an answer even though I reckon that with the right lawyer I could have a case, Mr Brown! 

So, further to my query as to which books are better than the Bible, I got this. “It's very difficult to say whether one book is better than another, because people's preferences are so subjective, but if you enjoyed the Dan Brown title that you read - have you read his other books?” and a number of recommendations for books about the Holy Grail and all that other mumbo jumbo. 

The question that I most wanted answered – concerning the holy grail of misguided book collectors – a copy of a Harry Potter book signed by heavyweight author Ian McEwan – got this response. “Unfortunately we are not offering any signed books through the website at the present time, but do keep an eye on our Events page, where you will be able to find out which authors will be signing copies of their books in Waterstone's branches.” An answer which quite frankly hums of a computer generated response. 

If it was indeed by a human, I would suggest that he/she puts down their Brian Aldiss compendium, grabs McEwan by the notepad and gets him to sign my Potter book.