I’ve been looking at some of the emails sent in to the Internet overseeing body Icann that petition against it releasing a .xxx domain – strictly for research purposes. In this case, my column. Ooh er.  

To be honest, the mails fair put me off my cornflakes, never mind any nocturnal browsing thoughts I might have had.

If I could I would reproduce them all, in all their morning glory, but I have too much to do. So these are just a selection.

One says, “I believe that a new .xxx domain would just legitimize what the pornographers are doing. Please work hard to get pornography off the Internet, not help put more on it!”

Another, adds – can we really call it adding? – “Of course the type of GTLD will be for adult sites In religions) Islam, Jew, Christian) it is prohibited and ethics refuse this type Things. So, On behalf of Emirates Internet Group we strongly effuse the TLD.”

Someone else chips in with, “I respectfully request that you permanently ban a triple X web site” -a complaint that may not be all it seems when you consider what follows – a very telling, possibly subconscious, admission regarding the reasons behind the sending of the email mailing. “This is perversion, not a matter of free speech.”

This person is wholly confused, “Every single activity on the Internet don't need his own top-level domain name! Imagine 10.000.000 top level domain names as is dot car, dot rent, dot buy, dot sell, dot shop, dot fish, dot clock, dot xxx ...

Respect freedom of the speech and NOT restrict all sexual activities on the single one top level domain name. Who will be responsible to say if some WWW must be or not must be in this dot XXX?! What is ok for you, will be strongly NOT ok for some muslims, jews or some others! For the some people on the world is ok only girl which is totally clothed and not exit his own house for whole his long life...” Okay then. So, we’ll take your opinion on something. Oh-kay…

This next mailer has possibly been exposed to too much porn already, given as he seems unable to finish off his point without using a rather laboured innuendo. “I am opposed to setting up an .xxx domain. I believe that a new .xxx domain would just legitimize what the pornographers are doing. Without forcing them to use the domain, it would end up providing them with further incentive for growth!” I must say that including the exclamation mark in some sort of nod to Frankie Howerd’s almost forces his point into the realm of parody.

If you were designing a sign that people might refer to in times of national emergency would you try and make it as calming as possible? Or would you try and render – in a graphical format – sheer panic, and er, impending death from above? Yeah, me, and the International Atomic Energy Agency too. 

Actually, the “new symbol is being launched by the IAEA and the International Organization for Standardization (ISO) to help reduce needless deaths and serious injuries from accidental exposure to large radioactive sources”, or if you prefer, to warn everyone that they should run as far as possible from the curly arrow spitting space ship and its ground-based skull infantry. 

Either way, I’m just going to hide under my desk until it passes.

Something tickles me about this “whoops, we can’t find that…” page and it isn’t just the funny looking dog. 

Oh the irony of the Ordnance survey – Great Britain’s mapping agency – not being able to find something! It is even more ironic when you consider that it was a picture of intrepid explorer, and bushtucker man Ray Mears that the page is supposed to lead to.

If they can’t find him we are all in trouble!

All you rap, and tax fans out there can rejoice. Let me rephrase that. All you tax software, and bad rap fans can rejoice, because everyone’s favourite Van Winkle is back, and yep, he is rapping about tax at Thetaxrap.com.  

Yes people Vanilla Ice is back with his brand new invention, Tax rap. Well, it’s probably not really his invention. I can'€™t really imagine the '˜Ice'€™ sitting at home thinking about how best to market himself, and thinking "€œI know! Tax raps! Those accounting mofoes really know how to get down."

Nah, what probably happened is that someone at TurboTax with a little too much imagination and power – and too small a budget thought it would be a good idea to use YouTube to get people to write their own raps about tax. And, how better to publicise it than with a rapper -€“ and this is where the ‘too small a budget -€™ and Ice come into the equation. 

Ice'€™s rap is excruciating. But if you think that that is bad. You should see some of the competition entries. Yes. THERE HAVE BEEN COMPETITION ENTRIES!

Tomorrow night I fully expect to be sitting at home watching ‘You are what you eat’ and laughing at other peoples’ misfortunes.

This is not because I like that show particularly, but simply because it is better than the alternative. Tomorrow night is Valentines Day and as such I fully expect the streets to be lined with so many couples it will look like a celebration of conjoined, er, ness.   

 Other lovers will be sat at home awaiting the arrival of a very special someone, or something. Those people waiting for the something are not as weird as they might sound – oh, okay, that might apply to those people over there, but not, ah, them.

Er, where was I?, oh yes, a lot of the country will be impatiently awaiting the arrival of their MAC code, that mysterious 17-18 alphanumeric number that is required to switch broadband providers.

Luckily, the 14th of February is the day that new rules come in which will stop broadband providers being gits when it comes to letting their customers – read loved ones – go, and letting them start a new relationship with someone else.

The rules from Ofcom will stop said providers from making it difficult when customers want to switch firms – an increasingly popular pastime in these days of competitive pricing and services.

Having switched broadband suppliers myself fairly recently, and watched a friend struggle with a non-connected home life for about two weeks while his MAC code was wrestled from one firm and passed onto another, I know this date cannot come soon enough.

Hang on. Did someone say date? Sorry, I’m busy.