Apparently cinema ushers in Malaysia are creeping around the place wearing night vision goggles. 

Can you imagine how scary that would have been if you were watching 'that scene' in Silence of the Lambs? It would be like being plunged into predatory pervert-a-vision - and worse yet, without expecting it. 

The reason for this creepy attire isn't just to see who has their hand in their neighbours' popcorn, but is apparently part of a plan to stamp out cinema piracy. Said ushers are creeping about the sticky, popcorn strewed aisles in the hope of spotting someone using a hand-held video recorder or mobile phone to pirate films – a mobile phone!? To pirate a film? Good luck! 

But, why are they bothering? The last time I went to the cinema I was exposed to three very large women who were all eating from bags of crisps and talking constantly. It was like sitting behind the judging panel at the 'ball up tin foil and tear up cardboard' finals 2007. If you had wanted to pirate the film we were watching you would have been wasting your time – unless you were making a film for mastication fetishists. 

I am yet to see a watchable 'camera in the aisle' film anyway. It seems to me that the pirate DVDs to watch out for, ie the good ones, are the ones ripped from screener copies or leaked - or lost - by someone working for the film production company. If you have to watch pirated films, then these are at least tolerable - even with the absurd subtitles. The over the shoulder camera holder ones are not. 

So please, film companies, get your own lives in order and stop sneaking around hassling cinema goers. Much of what can be called the "piracy problem" is internal to you, it's not in screen six of the Malaysian multiplex.